What is Self-Worth?

Having a sense of self-worth means that you value yourself, and having a sense of self-value means that you are worthy.

Self-worth is defined by Merriam-Webster as:

“a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect”.

Self-Worth versus Self-Confidence

In the same vein, there are subtle but significant differences between self-worth and self-confidence.

Self-confidence is not an overall evaluation of yourself, but a feeling of confidence and competence in more specific areas. For example, you could have a high amount of self-worth but low self-confidence when it comes to extreme sports, certain subjects in school, or your ability to speak a new language (Roberts, 2012).

It’s not necessary to have a high sense of self-confidence in every area of your life; there are naturally some things that you will simply not be very good at, and other areas in which you will excel. The important thing is to have self-confidence in the activities in your life that matter to you and a high sense of self-worth overall.

Self-Worth versus Self-Esteem

Self-esteem can be defined as confidence in one's value as a human being is a precious psychological resource and generally a highly positive factor in life; it is correlated with achievement, good relationships, and satisfaction. Possessing little self-regard can lead people to become depressed, fall short of their potential, or to tolerate abusive relationships and situations.

This excerpt explains how self-esteem starts from childhood, "Self-esteem suffers when you grow up in a dysfunctional family or with toxic parenting. Often you don’t have a voice. Your opinions and desires aren’t taken seriously. Parents usually have low self-esteem and are unhappy with each other. They themselves neither have nor model good relationship skills, including cooperation, healthy boundaries, assertiveness, and conflict resolution. They may be abusive or just indifferent, preoccupied, controlling, interfering, manipulative, or inconsistent. Their children’s feelings and personal traits and needs tend to be shamed. As a result, a child feels emotionally abandoned and concludes that he or she is at fault–not good enough to be acceptable to both parents. This is how toxic shame becomes internalized. Children feel insecure, anxious, and/or angry. They don’t feel safe to be, to trust, and to like themselves. They grow up with low self-esteem and learn to hide their feelings, walk on eggshells, withdraw, and try to please or become aggressive."

The goal in any relationship is to feel safe, supported, and respected. In intimate relationships there is also the desire to be emotionally taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted, and loved just for existing. We want to feel part of something special and not alone. To be free to be who we are, rather than who we think we need to be for the other person. We want to experience forgiveness and being forgiven without revenge or reminders of past offenses. A healthy relationship encourages personal growth and supports individuality.

Where does low self-worth come from?

“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” ― Virginia Satir

Virginia Satir, a pioneering family therapist, believed that family dysfunction plays a significant role in developing low self-worth. Here’s a summary of her perspective in layman's terms:

1. Communication Patterns: In dysfunctional families, communication is often unclear, indirect, or critical. Children in such environments might receive mixed messages about their worth, leading to confusion and self-doubt.

2. Roles and Expectations: Dysfunctional families often assign rigid roles (like the scapegoat, the hero, or the peacemaker) to children. These roles can limit a child’s ability to express their true self and contribute to feelings of inadequacy if they cannot meet these expectations.

3. Lack of Validation: Children need consistent validation and affirmation to build a healthy sense of self-worth. In dysfunctional families, this emotional support may be absent or inconsistent, leaving children feeling unworthy or unloved.

4. Emotional Climate: If a family environment is filled with tension, conflict, or neglect, children may internalize these negative emotions. They might come to believe that they are the cause of the family’s problems, leading to feelings of guilt and low self-esteem.

5. Modeling Behavior: Parents in dysfunctional families often struggle with their own self-worth and may model unhealthy behaviors and attitudes. Children learn by observing and may adopt similar negative beliefs about themselves.

6. Unmet Needs: In a healthy family, children’s emotional and psychological needs are met. In dysfunctional families, these needs are often neglected, leading children to feel unimportant or undervalued.

Virginia Satir emphasized the importance of nurturing a positive self-concept through healthy communication, validation, and emotional support within the family. By addressing these dysfunctional patterns, individuals can work towards healing and developing a stronger sense of self-worth.